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 The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~

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Jeffro
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PostSubject: Comedy Thread!   Fri Feb 13, 2009 2:48 pm

CONFUCIUS SAYS WHAT!!!!!



"Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

"Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time."

"Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face."

"Man who live in glass house, dress in basement."

"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."

"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

"Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time."

"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser."

"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."

"Man with no legs bums around."

"Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."

"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."

"Find old man in dark, not hard!"

"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."

"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."

"Girl who marry detective must kiss dick."

"Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed."

"Passionate kiss like spider's web ... soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."

"Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night."

"It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it."

"Man who bounce woman on bedspring this spring, have offspring next spring."

"A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."

"Honeymooning campers have one intent!"

"Man who sells Kotex, is crack salesman."

"Man who lay girl on hill not on level."

"Man with athletic finger make broad jump."

"Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone."

"Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth."

"Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up."

"Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth."

"Man who have hole in pocket feels cocky all day."

"Man who screws cook in pantry often gets ass in jam."

"He who fish in other mans well often catches crabs."

"Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss."

"Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."

"Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots."

"He who chase car will get exhausted."

"Man who lose key to girl friends apartment, no get nukie."

"Hooker with bike pedal ass all over town."

"He who stand on toilet, high on pot."

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"All men eat, but Fu Manchu."

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed."

"Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat."

"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy."

"He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby."

"He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver."

"He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money."

"He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind."

"He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose."

"He who stick head in open window get pane in neck."

"He who stick head in oven get baked bean."

"Hockey player on ice have big stick."

"House without toilet, uncanny."

"If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented."

"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."

"Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!"

"Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag."

"Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!"

"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"

"Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time."

"Man who eat photo of father, soon spitting image of father."

"Man fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self."

"Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight."

"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"

"Man who masturbate only screwing self."

"Man who put cock on stove have hot rod."

"Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!"

"Man who sit on hot stove will rise again."

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who sleep in cat house by day, in doghouse by night"

"Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."

"Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks."

"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."

"Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts."

"Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
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Jeffro
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PostSubject: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Thu Apr 23, 2009 3:41 pm

Please put all the funny jokes you have here!!!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Thu Apr 23, 2009 3:42 pm

Visit To The Welfare Office
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
"WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?''
"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'."
In disbelief, the case worker. "Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?"
Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Thu Apr 23, 2009 4:04 pm

oh wow! thats screwed up! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Thu Apr 23, 2009 9:22 pm

i know this is kinda childish but can we post yo mamma jokes on here?
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Fri Apr 24, 2009 4:08 am

Of Course!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Fri Apr 24, 2009 9:12 am

sweet ight i got one this was funny when i first found it but its kinda lame now but here:

Yo mamma is like a christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her!!!

lol
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Fri Apr 24, 2009 10:37 pm

I got a long one



Your momma is so dumb, I caught her running around her bed and asked what the hell she was doing, She said " trying to catch up with my sleep!"
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat Apr 25, 2009 12:29 am

lmao ight i got another one


yo momma so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat Apr 25, 2009 1:59 pm

Your Momma is so short she can sit on a dime and dangle her legs
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat Apr 25, 2009 5:10 pm

lol

yo momma so poor when i saw her kicking a can i asked her what she was doing and she said moving
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sun Apr 26, 2009 12:18 am

dj rex wrote:
lol

yo momma so poor when i saw her kicking a can i asked her what she was doing and she said moving

That one is really old!

Your momma's so fat her blood type is rocky road!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sun Apr 26, 2009 12:28 pm

i kno it was the only one i could come up with
and lmao! wow i havent heard that one yet....


lets see.... mmmmm

Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put, "O.K."
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Mon Apr 27, 2009 4:01 pm

atleast thats better then on the application where it says sex. saying YES PLEASE! (austin powers)
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Mon Apr 27, 2009 6:18 pm

lmao wow joel Razz
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Tue Apr 28, 2009 12:51 pm

THIS IS THE EMAIL I GOT TODAY FROM CHIEF!!!! My Dad!!!



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.


The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.




This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat May 02, 2009 3:44 am

lmao some of those are pretty funny lol!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat May 02, 2009 3:51 am

if you hear anyother good jokes add them!!! LOL
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat May 02, 2009 4:05 am

mmm thats weird that comment went to a different post then when i put it down on


...but yeah ill be sure to find some more jokes Smile
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat May 02, 2009 2:15 pm

I merged the two threads into one !!! LOL
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat May 02, 2009 2:17 pm

lol that explains it then haha
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat May 02, 2009 2:19 pm

I Am crazy like that sometimes!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sat May 02, 2009 2:19 pm

lol nice
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Sun May 03, 2009 9:43 pm

We need some more jokes!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: The Jokes and Nothing but the Jokes~   Fri May 15, 2009 7:14 am

Yeah more JOKES!!!!!!!!!!
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